I am a mother of a daughter with Selective Mutism and I am writing this blog to share our real life experience, our journey and how we overcame it.

Selective Mutism (also called SM) is an anxiety disorder where a child goes mute in certain environments (e.g. school, shop) or to certain individuals (eg. teachers, friends). Generally, these kids are big chatterboxes at home or in familiar environments. It is not that they lack the ability to speak, or they don’t want to speak they just can’t speak as their anxiety is too high

Each child may have a different level of severity of this anxiety and exhibit different signs or symptoms. They way the child deals with this anxiety is by shutting down all communication. Many times people mistake this anxiety as shyness or being stubborn by not talking. It is not something that the child will grow out of. The key is to have an early intervention.

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Some interesting facts about Selective Mutism(SM):

• SM occurs in less than 1%  of elementary school population and has very little awareness about it (Prevalence and Description of Selective Mutism in a School-Based Sample).

• It is also interesting that SM tends to impact more girls than boys.

• These children are generally extremely intelligent kids. Since they cannot express themselves verbally, they find different way to show their abilities like – writing, drawing etc.
  
• Generally 80% of the times such children may also exhibit other anxieties along with Selective Mutism

Understanding the Severity of SM

The severity of Selective Mutism can vary from very severe to mild impairments. A child on the sever end might not be able to commute to anyone in different social settings and might just freeze with fear. A child on the mild end may be able to communicate to a few individuals in different social settings such as school, restaurants, doctor visits etc. They may either communicate by answering in a soft voice or use non-verbal cue like nodding. At times, the child is able to speak to the teacher in a one-on-one setting but not in front of the class. The way a child deals with this anxiety is by not communicating.

When Can Selective Mutism Become Apparent ?

It is believed the age for the child to start showing Selective Mutism symptoms is approximately 2 plus to 4 years old. Most of the times the child first demonstrates the muted behavior in school. Typically, the child goes to school around the age of 5-6 years old when it is detected. The anxiety levels of children are at the highest when they are at school as they are on their own in a new environment with all unknown people around. It is within acceptable levels if the child shows lack of verbal communication in the first few months of school. However, if the child exhibits impairments in daily functioning at a school setting for more than a month then proper diagnoses should be done.

I live in a country where children can start school at the age of 18 months. We were incredibly lucky that it got diagnose at an early stage. After a year of going to school the teachers asked me one day if my child knew how to speak. She was 2.5 years old then and it came as a shock to us as she spoke very well at home. I showed them some video of her singing before they could believe it.

Challenges In Addressing Selective Mutism

It is believed that a number of times Selective Mutism goes un-diagnosed as generally these kids would not cause any behavioral issues rather, they are quite and complaint with everyone (specifically their teachers) and everyone is happy with it. Generally, when parents see their kids not able to respond in a social situation, they will answer for them and just label them as “Shy”.  This enforces the children to believe in their inabilities and they continue to feel comfortable by not communicating. The longer we leave the situation as it is the deeper it is ingrained in them that that is a normal behavior and harder it is to help them out.

Real Life Examples Of Selective Mutism Situations

These kids have so much to say yet they are unable to speak up for themselves. It can be very frustrating and hurtful sometimes. Some of my personal experiences with my daughter who has Selective Mutism situations –

• Unknown injuries: When my daughter was less than 2 years old, she came back from school and would just keep on crying. When I would put her to sleep, she kept on crying through the night and was very sticky. This was a very abnormal behavior. I took her to the doctor unable to understand the crying. The doctor examined and found a muscular injury at the back of the rib cage area. When the doctor touched it, I noticed my daughter’s sad face and holding her tears in her eyes. We were surprised how would such a young child have so much tolerance. She could not cry out loud at the clinic. She couldn’t cry out at school when she must have got the injury and suffered it till, she returns home.

• Toilet Accidents: My daughter at the age of 3 was potty trained but when in school she unable to ask to go to toilet. On her 3^rd birthday she went to school with cakes and goodies in her birthday dress all excited. However, she was unable to tell her teachers she wants to use the bathroom. Suddenly, all children stare at her as she has an accident in her beautiful birthday dress.

• Not getting a turn: My daughter was very keen to see something which the teacher was showing to the children. Every child got a turn to touch and feel the object. When it was my daughters turn the boy next to her did not want to share with her. She felt upset that she couldn’t see or feel it but didn’t have the ability to ask her peers to stop snatching. When she came home, she shared her destress with me -“Mum Jack didn’t share with me” with a sad face and she felt helpless.

Here is a poem on Selective Mutism to help you understand it better –

Difficulties Faced By a SM Child To Do Routine Tasks

It is very heart-breaking for a parent to witness their child go through it silently. The child can feel anxious to be able to do simple routine tasks which could be so simple for the other kids such as –

1. Tell a teacher if they want to use the bathroom.
2. Tell a teacher if they get injured.
3. Say “Stop” if their peers bully them.
4. Participate in group activities.
5. Answering a question in class
6. Initiating a question
7. Developing good friendships
8. Just being themselves in a social environment.
9. Difficulty in making choices for themselves.

This anxiety disorder can be cured if given the right treatment by a professional. It is hard to make your family understand that this is a disorder which needs to be treated. Most times people will tell its ok the child is shy and will grow out of it. The truth is they never grow out of it unless it is treated properly. If this Childhood anxiety is not treated it can lead to developmental delays (specifically when they start to read), increased anxiety, development of anxieties in other areas, decreased self-confidence and esteem and possible depression later in life.

Myths about Selective Mutism

Selective Mutism children are normally very talkative at home but very quiet in other social environments. They are limited number of people whom they would speak to. They would generally not speak in school or any other organized environment. Generally, people do not understand that the child is not speaking due to their anxiety, and they perceive differently.

There are a number of myths about Selective Mutism –

1. Is the child being defiant or stubborn by not speaking?
2. Trauma leads to Selective Mutism.
3. They will just grow out of it.
4. Selective Mutism is a form of Autism
5. Selective Mutism is just extreme shyness.
6. Is the child being rude?
7. Speech problems and Selective Mutism go hand in hand.

You can find a more detailed explanation on the myths of Selective Mutism as below –

1. Is the child being defiant or stubborn by not speaking? It is not by choice that the child doesn’t speak. The child doesn’t speak not because they don’t want to speak but they cannot speak due to the fear or anxiety. Most of the times it seen by others as an oppositional or a defiant behavior.
2. Trauma does not lead to Selective mutism. The symptoms of a post traumatic person maybe very different from a person with Selective Mutism
3. They just do not grow out of the behavior. People think it is general “shyness” and they will grow out of it. It will only get worse over time if not treated.
4. Selective Mutism and Autism are very different. Autism and selective mutism represent similar kind of struggles in social environments but children with Autism display this characteristic in all environments. Whereas children with Selective Mutism will pick up on some non- verbal cues and are sociable in certain more comfortable environments eg. With their families.
5. Selective Mutism is just extreme shyness.  Kids with shyness will warm up but kids with selective mutism they do not warm up.
6. Is the child being rude? A number of times a child may not respond specifically to social greetings like good morning or goodbyes and may be seen as rude. Goodbye and Good morning are one of the hardest ones to come by. It may be easier for the child speak in between.
7. Speech problems and Selective Mutism go hand in hand. Lack of speech in different social settings may sometimes be mistaken as the child cannot speak. However, these children can speak very well in other comfortable environment. Though it is true that some kids may have speech and language delay or difficulties along with Selective Mutism as they have limited opportunities to practice but it may not be true all the time.